Sexual Deviancy and Random Acts of Kindness

I’m not exactly sure where to begin with this, here goes…

Lets start with the time I got a handjob from an 18 year old man while I was in grade 5. This traumatizing and very formative moment in my life changed everything. Now let’s head back to a more innocent time….

I was 8 years of age, and  raising hell. A rebel without a cause, Brando with a bicycle. One day I saw Mad Love (atrocious movie) and just like that I had my first crush! An infatuation to be exact. Drew Barrymore, my dream girl, she had everything, she was crazy, sexy and cool. Now, I may not have been too aware of sex at the time, but I was drawn in by this Goddess of the screen, plus she had the sweetest smile, and the cutest boobies. That’s right I was an 8 year old who liked breasts (still do) be honest you’ve heard of stranger shit then that.

Later that year I laid my eyes upon my very first pornographic images, a video of the adult variety. Just how did an 8 year old obtain a porno on VHS? Let’s just say not every babysitter is Marry fuckin’ Poppins.

So back to 1998 also known as ‘the year of molestation’, and the year Stone Cold Steven Austin shoved Mike Tyson and won the WWF Title. I was infatuated once again, but this time it was someone within my grasps (Wow, that doesn’t sound rape-y at all) Heather Renshaw, she was my new Barrymore, brunette, intelligent and completely out of league. Hell, I was still playing tee ball while she was batting for a Major League farm team on her way up to the Majors. Though none of that stopped me from defending her honour, befriending her and even taking a (mini) beating for her from the toughest kid in school (he hit like a pussy, 6 shots to the body). Then I brought myself to write to Heather expressing my innermost feelings and professing my ‘like’ for her, she shot my down like s surface-to-air missile. I was a schlub, a charismatic one, but a schlub none the less.Very soon I forgot all about Heather…. BECAUSE I GOT RAPED!!

This molestation experience (great band name) sexually crippled me and kept me from intimacy until I was 22 years old, it also helped form the pervert you all know and love today, don’t knock it! A learning experience is a learning experience, even if it’s a forced handjob. I’m just glad there wasn’t any penetration.

Now, if you wonder why I would post a such thing for the world (okay, 5 or 6 people) to read, why the hell not!

I’m a sexual deviant, and I’m proud of it. I like it rough, I like a little S&M with my tea, I like a little hair pulling and ass slapping in the morning. The only thing I enjoy as much as women is helping out my fellow man. I’m an enigma, a pervert, and sometimes outrageously hilarious. From best friends, to ex girlfriends, to exotic dancers, to strangers they have all  told I have a heart of gold. I prefer to think of myself as a decent human being with a skilled tongue and a knack for telling dick jokes.

Is it over yet….




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