If you want to make an omelette….
The big night has finally come and gone. Saturday night, the biggest night of my life, the Super bowl, the Stanley Cup Final, Wrestlemania, the AVN Awards, okay so maybe that last one doesn’t really fit, but I like porn, so fuck you!
Approximately 8:15am – 10:30am:
I get up a little after 8am, and go for a run around 9. I have a metric tonne of nervous energy to expel, it was a good run, but it only gets me more worked up. I try to downplay my stand up debut, “It’s just a show, no pressure” I was lying to myself, but I lie about as well as Arthur Harris (Chief of Bomber Command during World War II, fired for being honest) so that didn’t work out quite so well.
Around 1:30pm – 4:00pm: I have the bee gees now (bubble guts), I proceeded to nearly shit all over myself. After I evacuate my bowels (not all over myself). I take a shower, think up a new joke in the midst of the spritz and I get out, towel off and write down my new observation for the show. I then killed some time and nerves with my little Brother Ryan, he was playing Call of Duty most of the time so it was really just me trying to avoid thinking about the show by yapping at him and his friend.
4:45pm – 6:40pmish:
My ride arrives, because I’m too much of a geek to drive, in the car is my Mom, her husband (Greg), Bonnie and Bonnie’s new squeeze (I’m bad with names, but he’s a hilarious bald guy/comedy connoisseur/wise cracker). I found that Bonnie & wisecracking bald guy came out from Lindsay just to see me perform, which was trop cool (hipster). We got on well from the get go, so there were no problems there… The problem was when we got to the venue it was CLOSED! Sure we were 2 hours early, but I wanted a little rehearsal time and to lay down on the floor (keep thy gay jokes to thy self, it’s in the bible, or at least it should be). We waited awhile and decided to go out for fajitas, which was brilliant since I could feel my head about to explode ala the dude from Scanners from panicking internally. The fajitas were so good I even loosened up enough to tell the story of the time I nearly converted to Judaism purely for the jokes as a child (before I saw that episode of Seinfeld), I just assumed you were given all the ancient Jewish jokes when you turned 13, you know like a right of passage, plus I was already rocking the Jew fro (that got me zero pussy, by the way) and I wouldn’t touch pork (filthy swine) so it seemed like a natural fit. After exchanging a few Jewish deli jokes with the wisecracking bald guy (who may have been Jewish himself) we got up and left.
Precisely 6:51pm – exactly 7:48pm
We went back, the lights were on and the doors open, which made me happier than a Jewish man at the deli on a Saturday afternoon. I didn’t have a lot of time to prepare, but I didn’t care. I put on a little music (Iggy and The Stooges), ordered a cup of Earl Grey with honey and lemon, Inuit throat singers drink it, so I thought I should (inside joke), then I got ready to go on…. About 14 people in all showed up, almost all friends and family, plus my baby Niece. Apparently 3 other people I didn’t know called the coffee house to say an accident stopped them from making it in time (shit!). I said my greetings and then I got my ass on stage…. I didn’t know how I was supposed to open the show so I used the greatest icebreaker in the history of the world, religion! I asked people questions, I implied that one of my friends was getting a blow job/hand job from my other friend, his girlfriend (this most likely happened later that night to be honest). This was my first real show, no rehearsals, minimal fuck ups and I did not bomb (Can you still write bomb or will CSIS break down your door and shove a Yule log up your ass if you do?) Things were a bit rocky at first, but I still got my laughs, despite guaranteeing myself a VIP seat in the darkest pit of the fiery depths of Hades. I went after Christianity (You always hear about good Christians… but where did all the bad ones go?!) Then I went after the war on terror (Seriously, what’s next, cleaning up a kitchen spill by dumping a bag of trash on it?! The military treats extremism like it’s a puppy, “Just put down more newspaper, that’ll hold ’em off”). I fucked up my newest and favourite line of the night (the one I thought up earlier in the shower) but my recovery got the loudest pop (laughs/cheers) of the night. Turns out I did about 30 minutes and I was pretty funny. I was told “You’re hilarious” “I can see you making something of this” “Pretty good, bud”, “Not bad”, and my personal favourite during the middle of the show “That’s a great joke!”, I love bald funny wisecracking guy who eats chicken wings and tells Jewish deli jokes.
Is anyone still keeping track of the time (8 or so – 5:30something’am)?
I went out for wings with the boys afterwards for a celebratory meal (I had 3 or 4 deep fried pickles, hey, that’s almost healthy). I had a good time with the boys, but opted to walk home (20 minutes) instead of taking a ride home afterwards. On the way home I noticed that people are fucking militant about their Christmas decorations in certain neighbourhoods, every other house looked like the Griswold’s! When I got home my Brother informed me that Bellator Fighting Championships was on (Score!). I watched from the floor with my head resting on my baby Niece’s beanbag chair, when she stood right next to me on her own for the first time. She ever took her first steps later in the night (just remember she was at my show earlier in the night, just saying). After the fights I said good night and changed out of my jeans and got on Twitter (I may have a slight addiction). Then I was facebooked by a buddy I hadn’t seen in 2 years, he asked if I wanted to go to the bar, for some reason I agreed and I walked another maybe 35 minutes to get there. We had 5 or 6 pints of Guinness each (he may have had one before I got there) those were my first drinks since early Summer, I don’t miss drinking. We downed the Guinness as we talked about Ireland (he lived there for a couple of years) then we talked about Billy Bragg (because he’s Billy fuckin’ Bragg) then it was Genghis Khan and after that we debated whether punk is dead (I say never) and he even spoke of the perfect pour of Guinness, among other things. I got nothing from the drinking itself, but the conversation was engaging. We went to his place afterwards to listen to Billy Bragg, he passed out, and I couldn’t sleep so I said bye and took off for another walk (closer to an hour) to go home. Walking the streets at 4:30am is strange, but really nice. I listened to Rancid on the way home, so I was singing and dancing as I walked the empty streets. When I got home I sent one or two tweets and soon thereafter passed out, it was well after 5:00am.
The untold joke:
The Christian Right sees masturbation as wrong, they’re terrified of women and they find sex ‘icky’, apparently Jesus Christ is a 7 year old boy… which explains why the Catholic church is so obsessed with him.
p.s. If anything I’ve typed up today offends you just remember what I always say… If you want to make an omelette, you gotta fuck a few nuns in the ass!
TO BE CONTINUED…→