Like Christmas and middle aged men’s prostate exams, WrestleMania comes only once a year. And there is no time more festive than WrestleMania season. Whether it is the spectacle or the wrestling, this weekend offers both pro wrestling and sports entertainment fans alike something they can look forward to. This is how I believe the showcase of the immortals should be penciled in.
Championship Unification match: Antonio Cesaro (U.S. Champion) vs. Christian (Intercontinental Champion) –You want to send a strong message with this match. Setting the tone for biggest wrestling show of the year with phenomenal wrestling match seems like the only logical decision (see Hart vs. Hart from WrestleMania X). If you’re a wrestling fan you know the Swiss Superman and Captain Charisma are adept at the art of stealing the show. Cesaro throws the U.S. Championship down and declares himself “The real world Champion” as he raises the Intercontinental Championship. This angle leads to Cesaro winning King of the Ring and going on to challenge the World Heavyweight Champion at Night of Champions, where he pins the champion and reigns as double champion and “King of the WWE”. Can you say monster villain?
WWE Tag Team Championship match: The Prime Time Players vs. Tyson Kidd & Justin Gabriel © – This match may feel like a clusterfuck to end all shit storms at first glance, but in my eyes if there are two teams who can keep this exciting, without turning it into a glorified Indy spot exhibition on the level of Teddy Hart vs. Jack Evans, it’s these guys. Prime Time Players finally win the big one at WrestleMania.
World Heavyweight Championship match: Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus © – You build this based off of Bryan losing to Sheamus at just 18 seconds the year previous. Two things: 1. We turn Bryan into a good guy. 2. We put the World Heavyweight Championship around Bryan’s waist. You know the crowd is going to go crazy for the man, why fight it? Bryan wins in a match longer than 18 seconds.
Hall of Famers come out and wave to the fans….
Randy Orton vs. Damien Sandow – This is the match where “The intellectual savior to the unwashed masses” begins his ascent to the main event. Orton would no doubt look strong, beating Sandow from pillar to post. When Sandow eventually takes advantage of a bum knee, and some rule breaking he hits Orton with his dreaded neckbreaker (“It’s not cheating if you don’t get caught.”)
Ryback vs. Brock Lesnar (NO HOLDS BARRED) – I believe Ryback should remain unpinned come WrestleMania; there is a chance to make a huge main event superstar with Ryback. In my hypothetical world, and hopefully in reality, Lesnar broke into the Cell during Punk vs. Ryback to cost Ryback the WWE Championship, rendering him incapable of returning to the cell that night, thus protecting Ryback from a pin fall or submission loss. In the match I would want both guys to annihilate one another until Ryback finishes off Lesnar in a shocker, cementing his status as a legit bad ass and soon to be WWE Champion. The match wouldn’t go longer than 15 minutes.
Floyd Mayweather, Jr. vs. Cody Rhodes – Mayweather is a draw, Rhodes could use the exposure. Big two month feud culminating at WrestleMania.
John Cena vs. The Rock – Cena pins The Rock after an Attitude Adjustment from the second rope. I would keep this under 20 minutes so Rocky doesn’t gas.
WWE Championship vs. The Streak (career): Undertaker (20-0) vs. CM Punk (WWE Champion) – Punk wins, Taker retires the next night and Punk becomes the biggest villain in WWE, if not in WWE history. Imagine WrestleMania closing with “The streak has ended… My God CM Punk has beat the Undertaker at WrestleMania.” While Punk is hoisting the WWE Championship over head with an evil grin imprinted on his face. This would not be a typical Taker WrestleMania kick out of a trillion finishes each, take 5 minutes to recover from each time big spot and cry type of match. This would be an old school brawl with many mixed martial arts influences and minimal weaponry use. Punk wins when Taker passes out in the Anaconda Vice. How is that for impact?
What does everything think? Respond or comment below. Did this piss you off? Good. Are you happy? Even better.