“DAY NINE: FAKE NEWS UPDATE”


News Update

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2013

BELLEVILLE, ONTARIO

HEADLINES:

Canada Post will phase out door-to-door deliveries completely within 5 years. Between 6,000 to 8,000 postal workers are expected to lose their jobs as a result. The Harper government could not be reached for comment, but their smugness could be felt for thousands of miles. I, for one will miss getting letters and packages.

Uruguay has become the first country to fully legalize cannabis. Congratulations to José Mujica for taking a big step towards ending the vicious and wasteful war on drugs. When he heard the weed was only $1 a gram, Snoop Lion jumped on an airplane and headed for Montevideo.

‘Gay sex’ has once again been banned in India, and LGBTQ activists are not pleased. There are now 1001 reasons not to visit India.

Hundreds of the world’s most prominent best-selling authors including Margaret Atwood and Ian McEwan have come out against state surveillance of personal data, calling it theft. Disregard this story, Edward Snowden is evil, the NSA is your friend (friends share), and your governments would never lie to you. Go back to sleep.

Pope Francis was named Time’s “Person of the Year” (y u no select Edward Snowden, Time?) Who knew the Pope was actually going to practise what Christ preached. If you look at the last Pope, you wouldn’t expect it. Francis has made a stand against unfettered capitalism, lavish excess and the division between rich and poor, and he even said ‘who am I to judge’ when asked about atheists and homosexuals. When asked for comment the former pedophile protector Pope Benedict snarled and barked, “Bah! Humbug!”

Russia is gearing up for the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympic Games. Unfortunately for President Vladimir Putin, Russia’s request to have human Whac-A-Mole included in this year’s games was denied when Putin revealed the name of his new game was “Queer Bash”.

United States President Barack Obama shook hands with Cuban President Raul Castro at the funeral for former South Africa President Nelson Mandela. Based on the reaction from Republicans and Fox News, you would think he blew Castro and wiped his mouth with the Old Glory. Apparently, shaking hands with a Castro is worse than dropping bombs on innocent children in Pakistan & Yemen.

Unicef says 230 million young children ‘do not officially exist’. Only 3% of Somali children under five are registered. Ayn Rand is looking up and smiling.

And in good news: Stephen Harper is on his way out. Don’t fuck things up, Canadian voters. This can be a reality.

– Sean

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